After serving my husband and one of our customers hot coffee, this morning, I took out my cell phone and showed the customer our "before and after-so-far" photos of the renovations my husband and I have been making on our new home.
Impressed, he looked at my husband and said, "Wow, that's a lot of work! Did you have any help?"
My husband looked up at me, and before he could reply, I snapped, "Me! I helped him."
The old man softly laughed and still looking at my husband said, "No, really? Did you do this all yourself?"
Here's the problem:
I spoke up, showing my annoyance in not being taken seriously and listed everything I did.
Everything.
I'm sure my voice had gone up to a high, desperate sounding pitch, you know, the one that could turn into tears any second, because I was in disbelief that AGAIN some (usually old) man, (but not always!) didn't acknowledge me, never mind the fact that I can work as hard or harder than a man.
I don't know if he heard me. He was still looking at my husband.
My husband nodded in agreement, saying something like "Yes, she was my help."
The customer believed him. Then, turned to me and said that he does the same sort of help when he HIRES his carpenter to renovate.
I wonder if I had just been patient enough to wait for my husband to answer, I might have been taken more seriously? Would the customer have believed him when he told him that I was his help?
I doubt it.
****
On a Saturday, a few weeks ago, we went to a big box building store, one of the two that we consider our "homes away from homes". We usually hit these places at night, during the work week. By going then, they are pretty void of customers and have a limited amount of staff on board.That's okay with us, because we know what we are there for.
Since it was a Saturday, the place was full of staff members willing to help the customers. As my husband and I were looking for a particular size of plywood, one such helper came up to us. (A man, not old, probably in his 40s) Even though we both said "No, thank you", he persisted by asking us what we were looking for.
My husband told him, and the helper asked why we needed that size. So, my husband told him about how he had some stainless steel bent for a counter and we how we needed that particular size to fit inside for a base...
The helper faced my husband and talked about how great stainless steel counters are. I spoke up, agreeing, that my husband made one ten years ago and we love it so much we want one in our new home.
The helper NEVER looked at me and continued to ask my husband questions.
I walked away. The guy didn't respect our "No, thank you" to begin with and when he ignored me, I decided he wasn't worth my time.
****
It's not only men who treat me like this. They are just more obvious.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because there were several times that I brought up certain details of importance when we bought our new home, recently.
EVERYONE either ignored or "poo-pooed" them every time I brought them up.
Then, as the deadline approached, each one of the issues that I had brought up, so much earlier in the process, came up as if they had never been mentioned before. No one seemed to believe me when told them that I had requested that info, to the point where I started to doubt myself...
...But, that's where keeping each and every piece of paperwork and saving every email gave me back my confidence to trust my instinct and my memory!
****
Over the years, even some servers at restaurants have treated me like chopped liver. They had no clue that I am usually always the one who carries the cash and leaves the tip.
One night out in particular, comes to mind. I recall it only because of how invisible and neglected I felt. My husband and I went out to a famous steak house that doesn't exist anymore with my good friend and her husband.
We were taking them out, it was our treat. So, I had all of the cash. They were tall and expensively dressed. We were more modestly dressed. We were seated in a booth, so because my husband is left handed, he went in first. He sat across from my friend, I sat across from her husband.
The server (which were called waitresses back then) immediately aimed her attention to them (mostly at the husband) . They knew what they wanted, they went there often and ordered a lot. My husband asked questions, she was very nice (almost flirty) to him. When I ordered my food, I wasn't even sure she heard me.
It was a long night, lots of drinks for the drinkers (I'm not one), lots of food for the big eaters, (I'm not one), and yet for some reason, it was my meal that didn't show up on time and I insisted everyone start eating," don't let it get cold". She forgot my coffee at dessert time. In the end, I had to ask my friend's husband to ask her for my coffee, and it then came right away, as she apologized, to him!
Then, out came the check. As she started to hand it to my friend's husband, I was the loudest that I had been the entire evening, and reached for it saying (with a huge smile) "It's our treat, tonight!"
It was the first time, I think, that the server even noticed me. Her face looked stunned. She had sucked up to the person who appeared to have money (more like spend?) and she had been using her flirtations on the wrong person...She judged the book by his leather jacket instead of treating every customer like they were important.
She lucked out. If he had paid, she would have gotten a low tip from him to begin with, because he was (probably still is) a selfish, cheap tipper. It would have been a lot of 'suck up' wasted. She was just a servant to him.
Instead, she got me, a former waitress, who knows how hard it is to serve food and she was tipped very well.
As I handed the bill and a tip (much bigger than she deserved, 25%+) to her, I looked into her worried eyes, smiled and gently said, "Thank you for a memorable evening".
*****
At 58, I've become more observant of when I speak, and whether it's acknowledged or not. Or even if it's heard at all.
I sadly think it's because I'm a woman who was brought up to be polite, respectful, to not be selfish and to always put others first. I grew up to be the "perfect woman"; steadfast, reliable and counted on.
Just like the doormat in our sunporch.
No one really notices it, but everyone uses it.
This is not uncommon. In general, most woman are not taken seriously by men and even worse, by other women. It's 2015, and it's time to change.
Pay attention when someone speaks. Even if it's not a man. Especially if it's not a man speaking. Even if it isn't something you agree on. That's when it's most important to listen.
Those words might be the most important words you'll ever hear. At least they might be to the speaker of them.
For if you don't, she might just walk away from you, because you made her feel her feel invisible, she might decide you aren't worth her time.
2/9/2015
