Wrapping Up Twenty Twelve: The Present.
Sit in'. Look in'.
Back. Stabs.
Flashes.
In. Site.
Flush. Stress.
Clear. Moments.
Know. More.
...
"Great Expectations" can become "Bitter Disappointments". People are only human, after all. Accepting this thought, makes all the difference in a mood, at least for me.
In the end, the disappointment I find hardest to get over is when I disappoint myself. It's usually because I let myself expect too much from others. At 56, I should know better!!
Today is a good day for me to write, because I feel content. My words when written in anger, hurt or sadness, become a blur of emotional rage and sorrow. An arrogant, ranting pity party for me, me, me.
Of course, this piece will also be "all about me"! All about a couple of things I feel I've learned this past year. It's my opinion, and no one has to agree with me. In fact, feel free to give me yours! I'd like to know what you think.
But, first, please hear what I have to say, and try to understand where I'm coming from. It might be a totally different place from where you are or have been.
...
Over the weekend, one of my sisters told me of how a friend of hers was having a difficult time dealing with the absence of a few of his extended family members at his elderly mother's funeral. He is still very hurt and angry.
I'm not sure of the exact details, but one of them was some of his in-laws didn't cancel their prepaid, long time planned tropical vacation which they were scheduled to leave on, the day after they heard his mother died. When his wife's family went to their house on Christmas, he wasn't there.
I feel for this man, he's just lost his mother, who he must have been very close to. I recall when my husband's father died, almost 26 years ago, a friend of ours didn't attend the funeral, because he was going away. My husband was very hurt. Yet, if you were to ask him (or me) who was at the funeral, we wouldn't have a clue.
My husband has long since changed his view, and now understands, life goes on. Funerals are just an event. He forgave his friend years ago. His friend is still a part of our life, not just a funeral attender. We found out we could understand and relate to his decision when we decided to not attend another friend's parent's funeral.
As you may remember, I hate funerals. A quick recap in case you didn't catch that piece: There were hundreds of people at my father's funeral, all saying what a great man he was. I wanted to shout in their faces: Why didn't you visit him when he was alive and tell him yourself!? It's too late now.
This friend of my sister, had expectations of what people should do, and people who loved him didn't meet his expectations. In his own way, he was "punishing them" by not being there on Christmas, whether he knew it or not...?
.....
It's all about what we can control, isn't it? Reality is that we can't control much, if anything at all.
Being the one who makes the decisions, or being in charge, can give the illusion you are in control. Sometimes it takes just one unexpected source to fuck that up. That's where going with the flow is often a good thing, unless it's a dam bursting or a river flooding.
Then, again. There are times we can take actions to improve our quality of life. I am in the process of figuring this out, still, but I do see that sun 'light at the end of the funnel' cloud.
When I joined this Blogsite back in January, I had hopes of my emotional life improving rapidly. What I didn't know then, was that I had to work through my programmed expectations of who "should" be helping me deal with the issues I had back then.
I also needed to understand that I could make my own choices, that just because I was told "what I should do or shouldn't do" most of my life, I actually am a grown woman with my own brain and my own mind. Just because someone else doesn't like my ideas, doesn't mean I have to trash them.
At one time in my life, I admired some people too much. In fact, one example, who was practically a Muse of mine many, many years ago, had become a pathetic disappointment. I began to resent her.
But, once I really looked back, not over the top of my rose colored glasses full of giant awe, but at her constantly topped off giant glasses full of rosé colored wine: "Aw", I knew that despite of all of her past impressive successes and her acquired wealth, she must now be miserable.
There are some people in both my husband's and my life who improve our moods just by talking briefly to them on the phone. Spending time with them sends our spirits into such a positive spin of inspiration, that we always look forward to hearing from them.
They are considerate, and understand we may be in the middle of something, so they take special care to check first. Yet, these are the people we wouldn't mind just popping by! These are people I want in my life.
Then, there are the ones, who seem to just barge in and drag us down. They have a knack of showing up right when things may be going good. It's even worse if things aren't going smoothly.
I feel for my husband when they bother him in his shop. Their presence interrupts his workflow: He can't keep working on a technical project that needs full concentration while someone is standing around there, maybe wanting something and/or talking, or gossiping. So, he'll stop working, so he doesn't fuck up the job.
I feel his stress and want to shout: "Hey: Let's all go to your husband/wife/child's workplace and just stand around."
I don't, because I've already alienated many "users" by telling them how I feel... YES: The truth hurts, but, not telling it eats away at the insides. Lies fester, resentment grows even more!
So, the "New Year" is approaching. Physically, I feel better than I have in a long time. Emotionally, I have had way more good days than at this time, last year. I no longer wake up with a desperately, low ache of doom in the pit of my stomach.
I am glad I worked it out without needing to get any prescriptions for mood altering drugs, so that the process wasn't delayed!
Lately, there are very few "set back" days. When they do occur, it's usually caused by some thoughtlessly made comments by people who should know better: but then, that would be my expectation of them, so they just might not meet it!?
I now wake most days with at least a spark of hope, and a twinge of energy, which often grows after my first cup of coffee! I'm thrilled and grateful I have a supportive husband, loving children, wonderful friends and the best siblings in my life who I can count on, and who can count on me. I am looking forward to the future, I take one day at a time.
Thanks for all of your support. You are my heroes.
Happy New Year!
xxxx
PS After flows...
2012 is coming to an end...Some things I know:
I didn't make these up, but I like these! They are teeny bits to chew on, so they aren't hard to swallow:
- Can't change the past, so don't dwell on it.
- Hug your kids. Tell them you love them: EVERY time you see them. (Teenagers act like they hate it, but they need it the most!)
- This is YOUR life. Do it YOUR way.
- It's okay to change your mind.
- If you get the chance to drop everything and get away: DO!
- I just saw this one on the internet and I agree with it: "The stricter the parent, the sneakier the kid."
- Take my advice. Or don't.
- Play your music loud and often!
- Throw the car into neutral if sliding on ice. (That's an old one, I used it last night a couple of times!)
