Today, I have that sense of calm that often comes either after a good night's sleep or a good cry. It's actually sort of a numbness. I'm not happy, nor am I sad. I just am.
Lately, my extreme mood swings, which I have learned are a result of a culmination of many different unrelated issues that seem to have hit me like a big cluster fuck (Well, some are 'related' to me, if you know what I mean!) has me wondering if I should seek professional therapy, and/or prescriptions for mood altering drugs. (...."Happy Pills, anyone?")
At this point, I don't want to do either, especially the drugs. I feel like they would only mask or dull the problems, instead of help me work my way through them. Knowing I am still stuck in and struggling through the stages of grief, I worry that the drugs would cause a delay in my eventual acceptance and 'getting on with life' part of this process.
Today's numbness is such a relief, compared to the pain of the trapped feeling in that hole of sadness I wanted be out of. Today's calm reminds me of that comfortable feeling that came to me immediately after the birth of my children. It's as if the intense labor pains are gone, and there's a new life before me, as I'm soaked from sweat and people are all around me, doing their own thing. But, it doesn't contain the joy that the smell, sound and site of a newborn can bring.
There's another distinct difference. As soon as I had both of my children, I knew I could go through labor pains again, even though just minutes before each birth, while trying to breathe through the pain, I know I was thinking; "Never again!" (Only a mother can relate to this feeling!). Yet, here I am, physically comfortable, and I know I never want to feel yesterday's low again. The thought of it terrifies me.
The nice thing about the calmness, is the clarity that seems to have come with it. I think that's what it is.
Yesterday, I was touchy as could be.
Negativity filled my mind.
I lost control.
I was selfish.
I was hateful.
I was ugly.
The names I was given as a child came to life, and I lived up to them (or down to them, in retrospect).
I was jealous.
I was hurt.
I was angry.
I provoked, which caused pain to others. When confronted, I stood my ground; it was full of rage and sorrow. During my rant I realized: Every facet of my pain was from something that happened years ago, of when I had no control.
Sinking in sadness, feeling like a victim, I screamed out about the unfairness of the day. I cried out everything that I was angry about, realizing as I was shouting that it was all from years ago. Stuff I held back, stuff that came up, that had been buried down deep.
I kept on it, crying and sobbing, pointing out what I remembered. Pointing out how I had spent my life trying to please everyone else. How I could never please anyone. How I begged people to forgive me, but they didn't. I deserved to be punished. I felt like I had spent my whole life waiting.
To be forgiven.
To be seen.
To be accepted.
My personality has always been: The issue builds up. I blow up. All better, it's over. I don't stew. But, the ones who do could give me just one look, which would send acid to my stomach, and shame to my gut. They would see I was excited, and had to sabotage it, because I didn't deserve to be happy...? So, then, I felt guilty...because:
I was selfish.
I was hateful.
I was ugly.
As a result, I spent my life trying to prove them wrong. It was exhausting trying to please everyone. Because I watched the Oprah show where she talked about women who had " The disease to please", and also a very kind, slightly older mother of one of my Cub Scouts, told me I had the right to say no and not feel guilty, I slowly started to pick and chose when to say "Yes". Although, it was still more often than I wanted to, for many years. With each no, came at least one twinge of guilt.
I have been learning how to appreciate-without guilt, the ones who have stepped up in my life, who were there when I was falling to pieces. They took over and have done things beautifully, lovingly and I can't thank them enough. As usual, in the back of my full heart, is that sharp pang of guilt, that I was selfish and should never have given up that over-load of responsibility. But, they have told me if they need my help, they won't hesitate to ask. They have never lied to me, so I trust they will.
I have been sorting out my feelings and thoughts, I've been learning to live without ones I lost. The ones who I can never see again. I'm at the stage where I actually miss them, now. I miss and recognize who they really were. I love them all the more for it. They were all so very honest, whether we agreed or not, on an issue. They were true to their word, and loyal to the end. I have gotten over the anger of how they left me alone to face the world. As if any of them wanted to die?
Yesterday, I was told I was angry. I denied it. I said I was hurt. I was gently reminded of words I had cried out earlier that same hour...It's true, I was angry.
Today, in my calmness, I have decided not to be angry anymore. I am accepting the fact that I have lost some people in my life, by my own choice. One day, I may see them again. But, I don't miss them, now. I don't miss them because I recognize who they really are. I don't love them for it. I need honesty and truth, in my life, whether we agree on an issue or not. I have gotten over the anger of how they left me a phony excuse. As if any of them wanted to lie?
As the daughter of a carpenter, I am picking up the pieces of my life, I am being careful as I mold it back into shape, using the truest lines for real support.
