When my good friend's husband phoned to tell me she had died, he said, "Doreen's with God, now."
I had been expecting that call, so it didn't surprise me; but his choice of words caught me off guard! For the briefest instant, I thought he was joking.
I'm not really sure if I believe in life after death.
I'm pretty sure I don't believe in God.
I know I am not a fan of organized religion.
I don't know why I thought he felt the same way?
To this day, I can step into a Catholic church and appear as if I am a devout follower. After over 30 years of not attending Mass every Sunday, and/or on "Holy Days", I still know when to stand, kneel, sit, genuflect, and bow my head.
'Upon the Priest's cue from the alter, I know what to respond without falter.'
My knowledge of these rituals, is from rote memory.
When attending weddings and funerals, with my young children, they would look up at me with puzzled faces, because they had no idea what was going on, nor did they understand how I did!
That was then. That was when I participated out of guilty obligation, with a fear of being judged. Now, I refuse to perform those parts when I attend a wedding or a funeral. I will stand, out of respect, but when the congregation lines up for communion, I sit comfortably in the pew, and watch.
I'm not sure I ever really believed in God. I know I prayed to God as a child. But, my doubt was always there, and because it was, I constantly felt guilty. Guilt was put on me from the church, from my parents and grandparents, who also learned it from the church, and from the nuns who taught my first communion classes.
I don't know exactly what happened to make me decide to stop attending Mass.
I do know I am pro-choice, pro-birth control, I want equal rights for everyone, including legalizing gay marriage. Having said that, despite being married, I am not a big proponent of marriage at all! I especially can't stand that archaic idea of remaining a virgin until that knot is tied. I will never nag my children to get married, nor make it my business on whether they should have children or not.
My husband and I didn't raise our children in any religion. We spent our Sunday mornings sitting in our spa, drinking coffee, and going over our lives. It was our own spiritual time, in the sense that we physically felt better and we mentally connected to each other and the world around us.
Weddings, funerals, and special ceremonies of local organizations were the reasons we took our kids into church. We each have our own personal 'best wedding ever' memory of particular weddings we attended. Although they might not be of the same wedding, not one of our favorite weddings (or funerals), was held in a church.
Lately, I've been ranting that my recent life should be called "Four Funerals and a Wedding". The one wedding we attended was the highlight of our year, we escaped this town, this state, and had a wonderful weekend, and no, it wasn't in a church.
There were many traditional parts, such as the beautiful bride in white, and bridesmaids. The groomsmen, created a saber arch because the groom was in the air-force. The music was not traditional, which made it special, our nephew played the guitar and sang, and they also had some recordings, of their favorite songs. The ceremony was short and magically sweet on top of a mountain in Maine.
As far as the four funerals went, three of them had wakes, or 'visiting hours', as well. I hate funerals. I hate wakes even more. I am opposed to open caskets, even if the corpse does look better dead than they might have when they were alive! I can't understand why this is done.
I was once told it was for closure, that one couldn't accept the person was dead, until they saw the body. I can understand that coming from a child, who I would never force to look at an open casket, but not from a grown adult. Why can't you believe what you are told, especially if you believe in God, sight unseen?
With both wakes and funerals, my opinion is if you haven't made the effort to be in touch with the deceased while they were alive, why bother when they are dead?
I get the excuse, "It's to support the family". Seriously, as a person who has had a family member die, I know the family doesn't look forward to going through these rituals.
Instead, why not send a nice note, or make a large contribution in their name to a charity of your choice? Or better yet, make a point to visit the family after the loved one is buried?
In my experience, once the circus is over, and the clowns disappear, the hardest time for the family begins. The shock and numbness starts to wear off, causing the pain and grief of their loss to deepen. It also seems to be the time, the 'supportive" friends and family, who had made their expected 'public' appearance, disappear, and are no where to be seen, because "life goes on"...until the next funeral?
Each one of the four funerals we attended was a bit different. Only one was in a church. I won't go into the details of that one in this post, because I am still too raw and emotionally enraged by the creepy, cult-like experience. The one thing that funeral confirmed was my belief that many the most "pious" acting Christians are the biggest hypocrites you'll ever meet.
Last Friday, I found out a dear old neighbor died. I was given the dates and times of the visiting hours and the funeral. Out of habit, I immediately wrote them on my calendar.
This morning, as I looked at the calendar, the thought of another wake brought me down. At our ten o'clock coffee break, I mentioned how I really didn't want to go to either service. My son looked at me and softly said, "Mom, I think you've been to enough of those lately, don't you?'
His words made me realize I have a choice. I don't have to go. So, I'm not.
I will send a loving card, make a contribution to her church in her memory (as suggested in the obituary), and plan on visiting her widower in the near future, when all has quieted down...and life goes on.
