As My Summer Leaves
As My Summer Leaves
....T'was the best...
If there was ever a summer of perfect weather days in Massachusetts, the summer of 2012 was it. My summer might not have been perfect, but I have only one complaint about the weather: It's changing.
Lately, there's been a few nights we've had to close the windows. I've noticed I can see through our thick woods, the leaves are thinning. The air has a new crispness to it, it's drier. The sun's rising later & setting earlier.
My perfect summer is on it's way out.
As a child, and later, as a parent of children, I felt summer was over on Labor day. "Back to school" and all that. I no longer have children at home. Since our town's brand new school busses are very quiet, they don't wake me anymore. So, I keep thinking it's still summertime.
I'm clinging to it with a wistful sense of denial.
This has seemed like the longest summer I have been able to remember since I was a child! It rained just enough to keep the foliage lushly green, while giving the hardy perennials enough drink to flourish and bloom brilliantly. I have sat in my yard and seen more butterflies and bumble bees this summer than I have seen in my entire life! Most every day was warm, there were a couple of really hot days, too.
I loved it.
It's true, there were a couple of sultry nights we had to leave the window fan on for the entire night. I used air conditioning only a couple of times. Both times it was when I was in my car, stuck in stand-still traffic on the highway. Once the traffic started to move, the AC went off and I opened the windows.
My husband and I took more bike (aka: motorcycle) rides this summer than we have since the first year he bought it. There is nothing like a warm breeze with the sweet smell of the woods, the freshly cut hay fields, the delicious scent of a restaurant, and also being pleasantly surprised that we could get whiffs of the sun-warmed grapes growing in the vineyards!
We swam in our pool, not often enough, but when we did, we appreciated the tepid water taking the edge of stress off of our old, achy muscles and soothing our stressed moods.
My physical comfort was quite satisfied this summer, all because of the weather.
It was my much needed yang to balance out my realized yin.
With appreciation to the sunshine and the temperatures, I know my emotional issues would have been so much more difficult to sort out and deal with, if it was unseasonably cool or there was constant precipitation.
....T'was the best...
But, there were bad moments.
Many bad moments.
Just not weather related.
Who would have thought once you reached fifty-five, that you would feel like you knew less than you ever knew?
Not me.
Who would have thought that the year beyond the anniversary of the terrible loss(es) would be much harder to live through?
Not me.
Who would have thought that everything you once needed/wanted/worked hard for would lose it's appeal to you, or not be as important?
Not me.
Who would have thought that people you thought you could depend on as friends/family/associates would drop the ball and go off in their own little world?
Not me.
Who would have thought that one day you'd be so low, that you suddenly understood why depressed people commit suicide?
Not me.
Who would have thought that when you worked up the courage to truthfully confront someone who has broken your heart, that they would make up an excuse with a lie, when all you wanted was to hear the words: "I'm sorry"?
Not me.
Each of these things happened to me, some of them more than once over the summer. Some of them have happened to some of my dearest friends and loved ones, as well. It seems so many people I know can relate to one or more of these issues.
As change is supposed to be good for you (at least that Brain Doctor on PBS says it's great for your brain), I have spent this summer trying to embrace it. Being a creature who loves comfort, (comfort foods especially!), making changes isn't as easy as I would like it to be.
As I try to sort out my life, my wants, and my relationships, there are many interruptions that get in the way.
The worst one is that old pain in the ass: "Guilt" which is embedded in me. It rises up for feeling angry or bitter toward people who have genuinely hurt me, whether it was intentional or not. I know I have probably have been as inconsiderate or thoughtless to someone without being aware of it. I hope they would point it out to me, so I can say "I'm sorry, please forgive me".
Another is the fact that I really don't know what I want! I used to know. I used to know how to work for it and how to get it. I used to have the will, energy and the spirit to move mountains, with nothing but elbow grease and determination.
Now, if I get the bed made, and the dishwasher unloaded, I already feel like I've had a full day. I don't want to work now. I want to have fun. I have always felt that way (even back when I was working my ass off) but now I can't seem to understand why we can't just stop and enjoy ourselves? We've seen so many people die who never got to live!
Of course, reality is we must work to keep living, and we have bills to pay and a future to look out for.
And that is where our time is going. Into the future. I have no idea what I'll be doing, or what I even want. I do know I will be carefully choosing to be with the people who stepped up when I needed them most. Some did it naturally, as I expected and some came to it as a nice surprise to me.
As my perfect summer weather begins to leave, I will try to embrace the fall. For autumn can be beautiful! We might have an Indian summer, which will keep me smiling as I examine who and what is really important in my life, and be grateful they are.
