One Year Chick Up
One year ago today, I declared myself "reborn".
At first, I was a little scared, but very excited!
It was my time.
My turn.
Me first!
The first couple of days, I was in the blissful numbness of afterbirth. When the cold of real life woke me, I learned, as all newborns do, some things are easy to achieve, while others take time in developing.
The old, familiar habits were hard to break. Cutting the cord from my mother-care left a open wound. I didn't know what to do. Each time I found a fresh new skin forming, the frail and tender nerve endings seemed to be so sensitive. I would burst into tears from the slightest sign of pressure and stress.
It took a while for me to learn that it was going to be okay. That I could depend on others. That it was okay to depend on others.
They were there for me.
They comforted me, while
They took over.
About a month later, I was feeling hopeful. I was learning to think beyond my old duties and responsibilities. This new life seemed too good to be true, so instead of embracing it and growing forward, I would look back. Old thoughts would cause me to be stuck and not move. A selfish person like me didn't deserve this. The guilt weighed heavy in my head.
My ever-faithful support was loving and strong, but becoming tired. This weariness was not from the work they stepped in and took over, but from trying to ease my constant guilt and worry that they would fall apart like I did. I didn't want that to happen to these people I loved.
I was going through my own much needed mental metamorphosis. It was similar to when first years of life involve the speediest growth spurts of not only the body but also brain cells, while puberty's extreme physical changes cause confusion; I was a mess.
My rebirth year became a fast forwarded collection of emotional development and growth. Starting fresh and raw, undoing the old feelings and thoughts, learning who to trust, I made impulsive decisions due to a confusing roller coaster of conscious thoughts and a hungry ego. I didn't stop to think things through or use common courtesy or common sense. I refused to trust my decent instincts.
I made many choices that I regretted later.
Some of my most dearest long time friends were hurt terribly by a cruel and immature decision on my part. I was in my Jr. High stage of mentality, where I was easily persuaded to follow the cool "in crowd" and cut down and cut out anyone who I judged for the moment, because everyone was doing it. The popular clique did it, so I was cool.
My darling friend and her children didn't know what hit them. I held an imaginary grudge to defend my ego. All the while, the other people I loved in my life, stepped back and let me work through what I was feeling. They knew I was wrong, but waited for me to learn it by myself. And I did. One day, I just woke up, and thought, "What have I done?"
I went from Jr. High to adulthood overnight.
I knew I had to apologize and ask for forgiveness. I also knew I had to and was willing accept the consequences of my cruelness. I carefully worded my apology, I didn't want them to think in any way that I blamed them. I didn't. It was all my fault. They were innocent victims of my 56 year old adolescent stage of life.
Much to my wonder, these dear friends turned out to be the best friends.
True friends.
Real friends.
They forgave me.
They used kind, loving and forgiving words. They didn't chastise me or lecture me. Their sweet love poured through their words and I felt the greatest weight lifted off my mind. My heart was full.
Over the year, I would often take one sure step forward, then land on my behind. My balance of life was off a bit. I'd have times of lowness, but also great moments of joy and enlightenment. I realized that I must "Be the change that I wish to see in the world", to paraphrase Ghandi. It was easy to see, but not to do.
Gratefully, my relationships seem to have grown stronger over the year. In most cases, I have recognized and accepted people for who they are. But, many people still don't recognize me. A goal of mine is to be honest with my words, because I want others to be honest with me. I no longer sugarcoat words just to please the world. Sugar is bad for us, so now my words are plain truth. They may be said bluntly in a kind way. The truth may hurt, but it doesn't have to be used as a weapon.
One truth is that I'm only human.
I have accepted it. I know I'm not perfect. I don't (I won't and can't!!! It's exhausting!!) behave "perfectly nice" all the time, now. I have lost friends because of this. It's still work to stop and think, and trust that gut of mine. A couple of times, when I didn't trust the warning of my instinct to stop and not push; I pushed.
I watched someone just being their typical self, and reacted with a raging rant. I hurt several innocent, bystander friends in the "crosswordfire" of my tirade. This caused the end of what I thought were real friendships. Now, a couple of those friendships are over, even after I apologized. Some were graciously forgiving. Others were not. I have accepted the consequences of my impulsive reactions.
Another truth is, I was very sorry I hurt those mutual friends. I was also sorry I hurt the feelings of the receiver of the rant.
But, I'm not sorry I exposed my "I'm only human" side, at all.
My real friends forgave me.
I'll never forget that.
Jr High is history.
I've grown up.
It's time for me to cherish this short life by continuing to move forward.
It is our time.
Our turn.
All together!
Many thanks to everyone who knows who they are, for being here for me!! I love you all and thank you all.
You gave me my life back, and I am honored and grateful to have you in it.
xxxxx
5/29/13
